A parlor, in the country, at the close of a long summer's day. KIKI-THE-DEMURE and TOBY-DOG doze; ears twitching and eyelids obstinately shut. Now KIKI'S lids part in a narrow slit, and disclose eyes the color of purple grapes. He yawns, with the ferocious expression of a small dragon.
KIKI-THE-DEMURE, (haughtily)
You're snoring!
TOBY-DOG (who was not really asleep)
I'm not; it's you.
KIKI-THE-DEMURE
Impossible! I don't snore, I purr.
TOBY-DOG
Same thing.
KIKI-THE-DEMURE, (not condescending to a discussion)
Thank heaven, it isn't! (A silence.)
I'm hungry. One doesn't hear the noise of plates in the next room. Isn't it dinner time?
TOBY-DOG (gets up, slowly stretches his forepaws and yawns, darting forth a heraldic tongue with curly end)
I don't know ... I'm hungry.
KIKI-THE-DEMURE
Where is She? How is it you're not at her heels?
TOBY-DOG (embarrassed, nibbling his nails)
She's in the garden I believe, picking up plums.
KIKI-THE-DEMURE
Those yellow balls that rain about one's ears? I know them. You've seen her then? I bet She scolded you ... What have you been doing now?
TOBY-DOG (self-conscious, turning away his wrinkled, toad-like face)
She told me to return to the house because—because I too, was eating plums.
KIKI-THE-DEMURE
She did well! You have depraved tastes—the tastes of men.
TOBY-DOG (offended)
Say—no one ever sees me eating bad fish! And never, never will I understand how you can go into such fits over a dead frog, or that herb.
KIKI-THE-DEMURE
Valerian.
TOBY-DOG
That's it, I guess ... An herb—is medicine, isn't it?
KIKI-THE-DEMURE
Medicine, indeed! Valerian ... but no you, can't understand ... I've seen Her laugh and go on, as I do over the valerian, after having emptied a glass of fetid wine that jumped dangerously too. As for the dead frog—so dead that it seems a bit of dry russia leather in the form of a frog—it's a sachet, impregnated with rare musk, with which I wish to scent my fur.
TOBY-DOG
Oh, you talk very well—but She always scolds and says that you smell bad after it, and He says the same thing.
KIKI-THE-DEMURE
They're nothing but Two-Paws, both of them. You, poor thing, belittle yourself by seeking to imitate them. You stand on your hind legs, wear a coat when it rains, eat plums—for shame!--and those big green balls, the malicious trees let fall sometimes, when I'm passing underneath.
TOBY-DOG
Apples?
KIKI-THE-DEMURE
Very likely. She picks one up and throws it down the path, crying: "Apple, Toby, apple," and you rush after, in unseemly fashion, gasping for breath, looking like a fool, your tongue and your eyes sticking out ...
TOBY-DOG (scowling, head resting on his paws)
One takes one's pleasures where one finds them.
KIKI-THE-DEMURE, (yawning, shows his pointed teeth and his palate of pink velvet)
I'm hungry. Dinner is surely late tonight. Suppose you look for Her?
TOBY-DOG
I daren't. She forbade it. She is down there in the hollow, with a big basket. The dew is falling and wetting her feet and the sun's going away. But you know how She is. She sits on the damp ground, looking ahead of her, as if She were asleep—or lies flat on her stomach, whistling and watching an ant in the grass ... She tears up a handful of wild thyme and smells it, or calls the tomtits and the jays—who never come to her by any chance. She takes a heavy watering pot and—ugh! it gives me the shivers—pours thousands of icy, silvery threads over the roses or into the hollows of those little stone troughs, 'way back in the woods. I always look in to see the head of a brindle-bull who comes to meet me and to drink up the pictures of the leaves, but She pulls me back by the collar with: "Toby, Toby, that water is for the birds." ... Then She takes out her knife and opens nuts, fifty, a hundred nuts, and forgets the time ... There's no end to the things She does.
KIKI-THE-DEMURE, (slyly)
And what do you do all that time?
TOBY-DOG
I—well—I just wait for her.
KIKI-THE-DEMURE
I admire you!
TOBY-DOG
Once in a while, squatting down, She eagerly scratches the earth, toils and sweats over it; then I jump 'round her, delighted to see her at something so useful and so familiar. But her feeble scent deceives her. I never smell mole, or shrew-mouse-of-the-rosy-paws, in the holes She digs. And how explain her utter lack of purpose? Presently, falling back on her haunches, She brandishes a hairy-rooted herb and cries: "I have it, the jade!" I lie in the damp grass and tremble, or dig my nose (She calls it my snout) into the earth to get the complicated odors of it. ... When there are three or four scents all blended, all mixed together, can you distinguish that of the mole from that of the hare which passed quickly, or the bird which rested there?
KIKI-THE-DEMURE
Certainly I can. My nose is highly educated. It's small, regular, wide between my eyes, delicate at the chamois-skin end of my nostrils; the lightest touch of a blade of grass, the shadow of smoke tickles and makes it sneeze. It doesn't bother about distinguishing the scent of moles from that of—hares, did you say? But it delights in the trace left by a cat in a hedge ... I've a charming nose. She calls it, "his pretty little nose of cotton velvet." Since my eyes opened on this world I've not known the day that someone has not uttered a truthful flattery on the subject of my nose. Now yours—is a rough-grained truffle. What makes you move it so ridiculously? At this very moment.
TOBY-DOG
I'm hungry and I don't hear the plates.
KIKI-THE-DEMURE
... your truffle of a nose works up and down and makes another wrinkle in your irregular mug.
TOBY-DOG
She always says, "his square muzzle, his wrinkled truffle," so tenderly and so lovingly!
KIKI-THE-DEMURE
... And you think of nothing but eating.
TOBY-DOG
It's your empty stomach that scolds and complains and wants to quarrel with me.
KIKI-THE-DEMURE
I've a charming stomach.
TOBY-DOG
But no, it's your nose that's charming. You just said so.
KIKI-THE-DEMURE
My stomach too. There's none more fastidious, more whimsical, stronger and at the same time more delicate. It digests the bones of sole, but meat that's the least bit tainted literally turns it.
TOBY-DOG
Literally's the word. You have active indigestion.
KIKI-THE-DEMURE
Yes, the whole house is affected by it. From the very first qualms I'm in terrible distress; the earth gives way under me, my eyes dilate, I hurriedly swallow quantities of salty saliva; involuntary, ventriloquial cries escape me, my sides bulge out—
TOBY-DOG (disgusted)
I say, if it's all the same to you, tell me the rest after dinner.
KIKI-THE-DEMURE
I'm hungry. Where can He be?
TOBY-DOG
He's there, in his study, scratching paper.
KIKI-THE-DEMURE
He's always doing that. It's a game. Two-Paws play at the same thing for hours and hours. I've often tried to scratch paper gently, as He does, but the pleasure doesn't last long. I prefer newspapers torn into shreds that rustle and fly ... There is a little pot of dark-violet, muddy water on his table. I never sniff it without horror, since the day a rather foolish curiosity made me dip my paw into it. This very paw, so strong and aristocratic, (the tufts of useless hair you see between my toes proclaim the purity of my race) this very paw bore a bluish stain for eight days and the degrading odor of rusty steel clung to it a long time after ...
TOBY-DOG
What's the little pot for?
KIKI-THE-DEMURE
He drinks from it doubtless.
(Silence.)
TOBY-DOG
She's not back yet! Heaven grant She isn't lost, as I was one day in the streets of Paris!
KIKI-THE-DEMURE
I'm hungry!
TOBY-DOG
I'm hungry! What are we going to eat this evening?
KIKI-THE-DEMURE
I saw a chicken. It made a silly noise and dropped red blood on the kitchen floor, soiling it far more than I ever did, or you either—yet no one whipped it. But Emily put it in the fire, to teach it a lesson. I licked up some of the blood ...
TOBY-DOG (yawns)
Chicken ... it makes my mouth water. She'll say: "Here Toby, bones!" and throw me the carcass.
KIKI-THE-DEMURE
How badly you speak! He says: "Little chicken bones, Kiki, little chicken bones!"
TOBY-DOG (surprised)
But no really it's, "Here, Toby, bones!" that She says.
KIKI-THE-DEMURE
He speaks better than She does.
TOBY-DOG (incompetent)
Ah? ... Tell me, do birds taste anything like chicken?
KIKI-THE-DEMURE, (whose eyes light up suddenly)
No ... they're far better, they're alive. Ha, the quivering bird, the warm feathers, the delicious little brain ... you feel it all crackling between your teeth!
TOBY-DOG
Oh, you make me sick! It always worries me to see tiny animals like that flutter about ... and birds are dear, good little things.
KIKI-THE-DEMURE, (dryly)
Don't you believe it, they're only good to eat. They're noisy, stupid creatures, infatuated with themselves, made to be eaten. ... You know the two jays?
TOBY-DOG
Not very well.
KIKI-THE-DEMURE
They live in the little wood. When I walk by they laugh a sardonic "tiac, tiac," because I wear a bell at my neck. In vain do I hold my head very stiffly and put my paws down very gently, my bell tinkles and the two creatures scream from the top of the fir-tree. Just let me get hold of them, one of these days! ...
(He lays back his ears and raises the hair along his back.)
TOBY-DOG (pensive)
Positively, Cat, there are times when I don't know you. We are talking quietly and suddenly you bristle like a bottle-brush; or we happen to be playing amicably together and I bark behind your back—bow, wow-wow!--just for fun; then,—one doesn't know why, perhaps because my nose has grazed the long hairs on your legs you're so proud of—you become all at once a savage beast, spitting fire, and charging at me like a strange dog. Don't you think that shows a bad character?
KIKI-THE-DEMURE, (mysterious, eyes half-closed)
Not at all. It's character, simply. A Cat's character. In such moments of irritability, I'm keenly alive to the humiliation of my present state, and that of my race.
I can remember a time when priests in long, linen tunics, bending low, spoke to us and humbly tried to comprehend our chanted utterance. Know, dog, that it is not we who have changed! It may be, there are days when I'm more myself, when everything offends me, and justly; a brusque gesture, a vulgar laugh, the banging of a door, your odor, your inconceivable impudence when you touch me, or encircle me, jumping and yelping ...
TOBY-DOG (patiently, to himself)
He's having one of his attacks.
KIKI-THE-DEMURE, (with a start)
Did you hear?
TOBY-DOG
Yes, the kitchen door, and the door into the dining-room ... and now the drawer where the spoons are kept. At last! At last! aaah! (He yawns.) I can't stand this any longer. Where is She? I don't hear the gravel creaking ... night's coming on!
KIKI-THE-DEMURE, (ironically)
Go find her.
TOBY-DOG
And how about Him? He usually worries, and comes in asking, "Where is She?" But He's scratching still. He must have drunk up all the violet-colored water in the muddy little pot by this time. (TOBY carefully stretches his legs.) Ah! I feel lively ... and empty. We're going to eat soon! Just smell the good kitchen-smells that come under the door! ... Let's play!
KIKI-THE-DEMURE
No.
TOBY-DOG
Run, I'll chase, without touching you.
KIKI-THE-DEMURE
No.
TOBY-DOG
Why not?
KIKI-THE-DEMURE
I don't want to.
TOBY-DOG
Oh! but you're tiresome! Watch me jump and arch my neck like a little horse and try to catch my stubby tail. Now I turn 'round and 'round—and—heavens! the whole room spins!--It's—st—opping—now.
KIKI-THE-DEMURE
Insufferable creature!
TOBY-DOG
Insufferable yourself! Look out, I'm going to run at you as She does, when She's merry, crying "Ha, cat!"
(KIKI-THE-DEMURE, without rising, puts up a paw bristling with claws and spotted underneath with rose color and black; it looks like a thorny flower.)
If you dare! ...
TOBY-DOG (in a frenzy)
I do dare! Bow-wow-wow! Ha, cat! ha, cat!
(KIKI-THE-DEMURE, exasperated, gives a spring and hangs on the table-cloth, slowly dragging it down. A lamp and various things fall to the ground. Terrified silence. The two animals, crouching under an arm-chair, await punishment.)
HE appears at the study door, holding a pen, like a bit, between his teeth.
Thunder and blitzen! What is it now? This cursed menagerie has overturned everything! Where's your Mistress? What a place this is to be sure! Dinner never on time! ... (etc., etc., etc....)
(The two guilty ones, who well know the harmlessness of such outbursts, laugh quietly to themselves and lying flat as bed-room slippers, look at one another through the fringes of the chair. The garden gate opens.
SHE comes in carrying a basket, full of fragrant plums; her hands are sticky from their sugariness, her hair tumbled. SHE stands horrified, before the disaster.)
SHE
Oh! They've been fighting again, have they? (Without conviction.) Dear me, what nasty creatures! I'll give them away! I'll sell them!!--I'll kill them!!!
(But the cat and dog, groveling in exaggerated humility, crawl up to her, and speak together.)
KIKI-THE-DEMURE
Purr-rr-rr!...There you are!...It's very late...Toby attacked me; it's he who's broken everything. I believe he went mad from hunger.... You smell good, of grass and the twilight. You sat down on some wild thyme. Come!...Tell your Master to carry me on his shoulder—the meat will be overdone, I'm afraid. You'll carve the chicken very quickly, won't you, and you'll keep the browned skin for me? If you wish I'll stretch out my paw like a spoon, which knows how to take up the littlest morsels, and carry them to my mouth with that human gesture that makes you laugh so—you and He.... Come!
TOBY-DOG
Hiii ... hiii ... there you are at last! I'm so unhappy when you're away. You banished me ... you didn't love me ... The lamp fell down all by itself ... Come! I'm awfully hungry, but I'll gladly go without dinner, if you'll promise to take me with you always wherever you go ... yes, even out in the twilight, though it makes me sad, I'll willingly follow you there ... my nose close, close to the hem of your dress....
SHE, (disarmed and quite indifferent to the cataclysm)
Do look how pretty they are!
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